"I don't know myself", she whispered, listening to the echo of her thoughts.
"How does a person not know themselves?" She was wondering out loud now. She was waiting for an answer from someone, anyone. Twenty years, and she was looking for one answer.
When had she been certain? When was she sure? Perhaps an unspoken part of adulthood was a continual life crisis of understanding. Perhaps maturity came in those moments of raw introspection, but she couldn't see it yet. The sunlight danced in the window, as if teasing her with its certainty of character.
"The sun certainly knows what it is. It knows what it does, that it's needed, that the solar system depends on it. It has some strength to it, at least." Tears were welling, and that teasing light wasn't helping her vision any.
"Yeah." His voice seemed to be bright, and she squinted when he spoke. He was like the skies. "But not without a little internal turmoil. I mean, have you seen the sun before? It's bruised with sun spots, and its surface is always shattered with plasmic loops. I'm pretty sure that's the equivalent to a personality dilemma in a star, anyway. It knows it's needed and necessary, but that doesn't mean it's not conflicted about it."
She looked around the room for an escape from the words. Poster; lamp; bed sheets. His words were everywhere she looked. Sitting cross-legged like opened presents, waiting to be looked at a second time.
"It's different, though." He was cute, but she had to fight him and his romanticized idea of the universe. "The sun doesn't have a gender or a boyfriend or a sexuality or a future career or ...or... pressure. The sun doesn't have to be worried with--with life." She wanted her sentences to come out like fists, punching his in the stomach. Instead, they were coming out with no bones, shape, skeleton—weak.
"Oh? If you want to learn about pressure, I invite you to the core of our sun's colliding soul. If you want to talk about life, you can begin and only begin at our breathing star. And truly you must think that the sun is a boy?"
She looked at him and couldn't help but smile. Damn him and his charming ways.